Pleasure and the Pandemic


So …..COVID….the ultimate “Fun Blocker”….or so you think!!!!

They say one is the loneliest number, but there is a lot of fun you can have with number one.  That’s right – I’m talking about the one on one stuff – and we got you covered with lots of tips and tricks to help get over the hump slump.

So let’s deal with the bits that hang down low. Most people know the usual way to get things going, but just because they know the theory doesn’t mean they can sit the practical. Don’t worry let’s do a crash course. Let’s start with the basics.

Are you up or down? Might sound like a silly question but there is no sense in trying to get anything done if it’s not up and ready. If you’re finding it hard to get hard then try to think about getting down and dirty or even fire up the old incognito tab and start with some visual foreplay.

So you have the flag flying at full mast now what? I would recommend finding yourself some water-based lube, lube really helps to get things going and can maximise the experience, which let’s face it nothing beats the real thing but you can get close. If you’re doing a full solo run I would recommend finding yourself something from your favourite supplier of fantasy because inspiration always helps, now I do recommend earphones and an incognito browser just …..for …. let’s call it safety.

Let’s do a quick checklist:

  • Flying a full mast- check
  • inspiration- check
  • fun gel – check
  • incognito and earphones- Double check

A great way to start is a bit of lube on the top of the head and massage it around the top because funny enough the front of your head is the most sensitive part and that’s where you are going most fun from. then rub the lube down the rest of the shaft and its business as usual. make sure you have tissues nearby to help with the cleanup.

If you’re feeling a bit more adventurous than you can always try prostate play. But make sure you take things slowly at the start and then build up. The last thing you want is to do damage back there. Also please make sure everything is squeaky clean and sanitary again safety is sexy.

 If you hands getting a bit boring then you can try spice things up with a few bits from your local sex toy shop or you can try online……heads up a lot of shops offer discreet shipping so don’t worry about the nosey neighbours.  Fleshlights and other penis simulators are a great way to spice up your “Alone Time”.  Don’t be afraid to shift the focus from your member to the rest of your body. You have a lot of sensitive spots on your body and with a small bit of touching and feeling you can really get things to the next level.

One of the best things about masturbation is getting you to know your body and the more you know the more you can tell your partner so when you decide to add another person to your pleasure session you can tell them just how you like it.

Now let’s talk about the other bit… let’s talk about vagina, call them whatever you because they have more names than I can remember.

Let’s start things off the same way as we did before. Are you in the mood? If the feeling ain’t there its gonna make things a lot harder and not in a good way. To get things going you can always start by thinking about something that gets you going, maybe start with a small bit of nipple play it can help to get the engine downstairs going. When you feel ready, slide your hand down and even over your underwear start feeling away down there. Again we would recommend incognito tabs and earphones. We also would recommend lube to add that extra bit of pleasure to your session.  Also, remember that your focus doesn’t have to stay in one place experiment with your body find what spots are ” hot spots” that’s the beauty of masturbating you can get to know yourself in and out.

Now that your “all hot and bothered” …or whatever the expression is, its time to get things going. start by removing your underwear or if you don’t want to you can try slide in around them. Focus on the outside and work your way in, Kinda like knives and forks at a fancy meal, then slowly start to work your way inside passed the ‘lips’ (labia), this is where we recommend using some lube to maximise the experience, start by sliding one finger in and out and slowly add more fingers as you whish get into a nice rhythm and then use one of your fingers or your thumb if you can and start rubbing it in slow circles around your clit (just above the lips for a few people who mightn’t know) if you can get a nice rhythm going between your fingers and your clit you are going to have a fantastic time.

If you want to spice some things up you can give prostate play ago but as we said before do it at your own pace and make sure everything is clean and lubed up!!!!!

 Adding toys to vaginal play can make the experience so much better. Dildos and vibrates come in all shapes and sizes so make sure you don’t start too big get used to the feel of things first. If you don’t want to go buying toys you can always try the old shower trick which works fantastic. Just grab the shower head make sure the tempter is low and let the head of the shower work its magic…..10/10 can recommend. There is also the ould electric toothbrush. Use this just as you would a vibrator but make sure you don’t put in the wrong end!!!!! again with all toys or homemade toys CLEAN THEM AFTER!!!!!!!!

If you want to spice things up in a relationship but can’t get to see each other video sex can be amazing. Just get zoom or skype or whatever platform you wish to use and you can show your partner all your new tricks but make sure that its one not being recorded and two its in a safe place where you won’t get interrupted and with a person you trust.

Masturbation, or wanking  or whatever you feel like calling it has so many benefits that you can bring into the bedroom or even into your everyday life. It can help you understand your body and how to tell your partner what works for you to maximise your experience.  It is also a great stress reliver and can really help when your feeling over worked. Heck even sometimes it helps with sleep if your finding it hard to get to sleep having a wank or a finger can beat counting sheep!!

Now lets go through some of the most common myths about this wonderful thing.

  • It makes your bits shrink- this is 100% fake so don’t worry about it
  • ruins sex – the complete opposite it makes it better because you know what you like and get your partner to do it
  • causes infertility – ……no just no….most people start playing with their bodies then they hit puberty and if this myth was true then we would all be be screwed….well….you know what i mean
  • causes mental illnesses – the only mental issue people get from masturbation is guilt and this is because society looks down on it. so don’t let yourself feel guilt for masturbating everyone does it. stand tall and call yourself a wonderful wanker!!!!!!
  • Grow hair on your hands- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I’m sorry but this was one that got me as a kid but trust me you dont. it makes no sense that you would and if it was true we would all look like wolfs so dont worry
  • Makes you go blind – no….not at all. if this was true how many people would be blind at this stage.

All of these tips can also be used on your partner. if your a first timer to fingering or wanking then definitely take some of these tips with you it will help a lot.

So I hope you enjoyed my tips and trick for Pleasure during a Pandemic

Kind regards

Wonderful Wanker

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