Travelling? Need some advice? Want to have the weirdest experiences in holiday history?
Then please, read the wonderful suggestions that I’ve compiled about what you absolutely should and shouldn’t do on any given trip away. This particularly applies if you’re travelling to Thailand (where else can a professional hun get her iconic hollibops photo) but hey, travelling tips are universal.
1) Do experience the local cuisine
When in an unfamiliar environment, it’s natural for us to crave what we know. But for the love of Christ do not spend hundreds on flights and accommodation just to sit in a McDonalds three times a day. You can get your nugget share box after a filthy academy sesh in Ireland Jacintha but not in Thailand. There’s so many exotic fruits (get yourself a mango) and Thai dishes to try and you can usually get an entire meal for the equivalent of two euro. McDonalds chicken selects could never.
2) Do not forget insect repellent
This may seem like an irritating expense but as the only member of my squad to avoid utter ruination at the hands of mosquitos, you should follow my advice. Flies are everywhere. They’re in your bed, in bathrooms, in your nightmares.
But on a serious note, I had a non-repellent friend fall asleep outside on a swing chair one night and they looked like a survivor of small pox by the time they woke up. Nothing ruins an insta than having the scauldiest looking mosquito legs in recorded history. Same goes for sunscreen – if you think locals will laugh at your pale skin, just wait until your skin resembles that of overcooked salmon.
3) Do experience the nightlife
While you may struggle to enjoy a night out in Ireland without drinking (is it even a sesh without pre-drinking an entire bottle of room temperature Aldi wine?), exotic locations are a whole other ballgame. Whether you’re on the pledge or a full time sesh moth, you need to leave your hostel once the sun goes down. That’s when the night markets appear, when the people get friendlier and in my case, where a stripper will add you on Facebook and try to bring you home. Not sure she really gauged my vibe but hey maybe I’m more masculine than I give myself credit for.
4) Do not miss the elephants (in sanctuaries, not parks)
No trip to an exotic country is complete without finding some absolutely outrageous animal to get a photo with – and have you seen elephants? They’re huge grey memes and you have to visit them. That being said, be wary about where you’re going. Elephant parks, particularly ones where you can ‘ride’ them, have involved brutal disciplining. You’re on holidays but that doesn’t mean you have a free pass to allow animal cruelty. Besides, at sanctuaries you can feed them (they love a cheeky banana) and you can wash them! If you’re lucky you might even get a lil’ cuddle.
5) Do check your flight details
My final piece of advice? Don’t trust your friends when they mention flight times. Check it yourself. Teamwork makes the dreamwork and all that but all those elephant hugs will likely make your friends delirious. The last thing you need at the end of a relaxing vacation away is lazily checking your flight details by the pool only to discover your departure time is three hours earlier than expected.
That was me with my single-use plastic (left the ol’ keep-cup in the previous hostel innit), about three minutes before I realised our seven hour connecting flight was leaving far earlier than we’d planned. Nothing says fun like screaming at a taxi driver with no English to break the speed limit. Being the last four people to board a plane is not something you ever want to experience so cHeCk yOuR flight dETaiLs.
That’s all the wisdom I have for you. Oh and don’t go eat raw meat from a market stall crawling with flies; no amount of being a skinny legend is worth food poisoning in forty degree heat.