Pandemics! What are they?
Merriam-Webster (the first definition google gave me) would describe them as
epidemics occurring over a wide geographic area and affecting an exceptionally high proportion of the population
What does that really mean?
- It means watching videos of primates fighting over toilet paper and bread (the Sharon’s and Helen’s of the world).
- It means a near complete societal shutdown (except Starbucks because cApiTaLiSm)
- It means people like me spending 20+ minutes trying and failing to come up with a clever title for an article about COVID-19 (most pandemic puns are surprisingly offensive).
BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS – what it really means is that in order to protect those we love the most, we need to make some temporary sacrifices. By now we’ve all realised the impact of our actions and have made the altruistic decision to self-isolate and participate in social distancing wherever possible. If you haven’t (and aren’t a front line worker / being forced to by your questionable workplace) then you’re disgusting!
Now that we’ve covered the basics – we’re all trapped at home – what do we do?
Do we engage in healthy routines of exercise, exam questions and contemplation about what really matters to us?
No you massive loser.
Forget about being well-adjusted and realise all the exceptional opportunities you now have. Here’s what you need to be doing for the foreseeable future.
Never has there been a better time to download this absolute meme of a dating app. If you’ve read any of my previous articles, you’ll know that I’m an avid supporter of this trash. It’s hours of fun:
- a) You can update your bio to some generic comment about surviving coronavirus
b) You can take sexy photos in a hazmat suit
c) You can be an absolute thirst-trap with no consequences because you can use the excuse of social distancing to avoid ever actually meeting up.
Plus if you do decide to meet up with them in several months’ time, think of how romantic it’ll be to tell people you survived a pandemic together. Now that’s heckin coot.
(Please don’t do this)
2) Netflix Party
This beautiful creation has just come into my life in the past 24 hours and it needs to be spread like a certain RNA strand because it’s life changing.
If you’re like me and miss your squad but also can’t be bothered actually looking at their faces then this is the thing for you! You can all simultaneously watch Netflix shows together with a nifty little chat box beside it; in my case this meant watching three episodes of Ru Paul’s Drag Race and receiving incredible content such as this:
So stop watching Netflix alone and pretend you’re improving your mental health by slaying a dozen Drag Queens in the midst of a global crisis (say that five times fast).
3) Have a Virtual Sesh
Are all your friends self-isolating?
Do they not exist?
Either way the solution to the problem is to crack open that four euro bottle of Aldi wine you’ve had waiting and go for it. Open up skype, call your squad and just have an absolute rave. You can play generic pop music, have the chats, drink awful wine – sounds like a typical night out with Brian Jordan. The best part? No weird people hitting on you, no club closing time AND you won’t post irritating videos onto your social media shaking your camera at some strobe lights.
(I’ve started questioning why I haven’t already been doing this before the pandemic).
Also I suppose if you’re not a mal-adjusted sesh gremlin like me, then some alternatives are cleaning your room (it’s probs mingin’), eating a healthy diet (is water a vegetable) and having a sexy daily routine to keep yourself sane.
Finally, if you have any suggestions for what to do during self-isolation, then please don’t comment below because I’ll probably never read them! And remember –